I wholeheartedly believe that the universe carefully chooses and then strings together the moments that make up our lives. I believe it has some kind of plan for each of us, that everything we experience has a greater purpose, even the really painful shit. Here's my question however, does this all knowing universe really know the ins and outs of each of us enough for it to never mistakenly thread a wrong stitch? Some of us can be really great at hiding, I know I have been in the past. How will this greater force know the truth that someone's soul may sing, that piece of them that is so rooted in authenticity if they dare not reveal it to anyone. I often hypothesize that fear takes many lives. Not physically of course but spiritually and emotionally. I believe there are some who are even too afraid to be honest with themselves. With soul selves being buried every moment of every day how are we supposed to find what we were meant to? With every dishonesty one tells themselves or tells others they begin to murk up what were meant to be carefully crafted paths. I feel I am close to full surrender of whatever this mystical universe has in store for me but I cannot help but wonder if things may have looked dramatically different today had every human throughout my journey (including myself) been nothing else but who they are at the core with every action and every word that came about. I could easily spiral myself down into a deep hole if I continue to contemplate this for too long, there are infinite what ifs and what might have beens down that road. There is no need to get stuck there because the fact is that my past is my past, my present is my present, and my future will be what it will be; all I can do is accept and be grateful for every second of it, have trust in the universe, and know that my soul is not worth being hidden.
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2/27/2022 0 Comments i'm back1. feel everything
2. know when it's time to let go 3. never underestimate yourself 12/31/2021 0 Comments Farewell 2021In just hours I'll have another year in the books. I feel relieved, sad, proud, grateful, and slightly annoyed to be honest.
This year began with so much love, so much possibility, and so much hope. Unfortunately, these beautiful feelings were short lived. It took nothing more than a moment to turn all the brightness into pain. I spent the rest of the year pulling myself out of this pain that had so deeply rooted itself in me. I am absolutely frustrated, annoyed, and angry about it all. Truth is, 2021 feels like a big waste. Although this year makes me roll my eyes and sigh, it did allow for some serious self-reflection. I realized I settle. A LOT. I settle on jobs, on boyfriends, on apartments, on ways that I'm treated, on so many things. Why do I settle? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to reach for what actually mirrors my worth. The outcome of allowing myself to do this is completely unknown. Uncertainty is scary as hell. So what do I do? I stay in my comfort zone even if it means not being completely filled and happy. Yeah, that's a big problem. I can't expect any kind of satisfaction within myself if I continue to choose the same people, places, and things that always leave me feeling like someone who's not good enough. I am good enough. I'm worthy of happiness, of love, of respect, of all the things that make life worth living. Moving forward, I will be doing my best to remember this with everything that comes my way. 2021, I am not sad to see you go but thanks for the insight. I'm grateful for all the people who let me endlessly vent to them, you know who you are. Peace. 12/30/2021 0 Comments December 30th, 2021Life doesn't always feel good in the moment and that's okay. Remember that moment is exactly that, a moment. Breathe in and breathe out. Just like a dark cloud over the sun, this too will pass.
9/28/2021 0 Comments acceptance is the answer.The past is the past and I cannot change it. I cannot change the actions of others or the way they influenced me. I can no longer pretend that things will magically work out. I need to finally accept that I am NOT the exception in this situation.
To be completely fooled by someone who you had the most genuine love for has been the biggest blindside I've ever experienced. I sit here beating myself up because, "I should have known better." My core feels deep embarrassment, shame, and sadness. I need to remember the people who have told me I am worth so much more, that I don't deserve this, and most importantly that I am not the first victim. With a good amount of certainty I can say I won't be the last either. The silver lining: I put forth my full faith and trust in someone, opening myself up to the possibility of something real. I chose to see the best in this person. I gave my full, honest self and did not play games. I'm not perfect but I never pretended I was either. It makes me sad when I think about how often this situation happens and how easy it is to fall into. I've always had good instincts, I don't tolerate bullshit, and I still found myself trapped. In the end I count myself lucky to have been exposed to the truth before more time went by and more commitments were made. We ALL deserve love that is free of lies, manipulation, and empty words. We'll move on and we'll be just fine. ROCK YOUR WORTH. 9/12/2021 0 Comments my life's current cycle.There are times when I feel like nothing has changed. I seem to be back at square one, lost and alone. People are assholes and I'm an asshole to myself.
Once I have one piece of my puzzle put in place it, without warning, becomes unstable and falls apart. It's like when you're building a house of cards- you get this awesome foundation and then poof one slight move and you are back where you started, with nothing but a mess. So I continue to stand here in desperate search of something that will work out, something I don't constantly have to worry about disappearing. Time passes. There are moments I am gasping for air, curled up on the floor, and pleading to know why this cycle never ends. 6/5/2020 2 Comments Get Your Armor ReadyIf you're like me, you couldn't even fathom the thought of calling another person things like -- stupid, hopeless. ugly, failure, fat. When I think of what it would be like for any of those words to leave my lips and land on another human an intense, uncomfortable feeling settles over me. I almost feel ashamed now just imagining it.
With this being the case, I reflect on the things I say to myself in the privacy of my own mind. The descriptors I used above are things that float through my mind on an almost daily basis. To be transparently honest, those are a more gentle set of words then what appears a lot of the time. This inner critic of mine is unforgiving and harsh. It doesn't give a shit about whether or not it hurts me. This inner critic of mine is relentless. We all have this piece within us and being aware of this makes my heart break. In my eyes the people who surround me are incredibly beautiful and amazing. The conversation in their heads, however, may prove that they feel none of the things I see. It has taken me many many years to make progress on the quest of self acceptance. Even with my growth in this area, my inner critic still has the power to tear me apart. Some days it feels as if i'm on a battlefield holding my white flag, too tired to continually fight this wicked part of myself. The anger I feel for this constant defeat within me is immense. Why do we talk to ourselves like this? Why are we incapable of seeing what others see in us? When do we decide enough is enough? Each day we make it through shows strength. Every time we stand up again after breaking down is a victory. We need to believe we are amazing. Life is not some kind of fairy-tale. Life is fucking hard. Why are we not giving ourselves credit and showing ourselves compassion for keeping on this journey during all of those crazy, challenging times? Unfortunately, I don't have an answer to that question. But even without an answer I still know a shift in our systems is absolutely necessary. So, next time you hear that inner critic spout nonsense at you -- get your armor ready. We don't need to pretend the thought never happened. What we do need to do is stand up for ourselves. "I heard you say those jeans make my legs look really big and disgusting. I don't really agree with you, I think my body looks rockin in them, I'm going to wear them." Maybe once we are able to stand up to this bully inside of us, their presence will begin to diminish. This fight is not one that needs to be fought internally or in silence. Talk to someone, write about it, paint about it, do something positive to LET IT OUT. The most important relationship we have in this life is the one we have with our self. The amount of peace and serenity that comes from keeping your mind clear of negativity is immeasurable. It is worth the fight. Be kind to yourself. Show patience and compassion. We are so worthy of love and happiness, time we start treating ourselves that way. 4/20/2020 0 Comments My Personal MissionIt is my mission to live a life of truth, perseverance, and self evolution.
To live authentically in all of life's experiences. To share hope, understanding, and strength with all who need it. To utilize the wisdom this life has gifted me with. And above all, to embrace my imperfections because perfect is boring and that is something I will not be. 8/2/2019 3 Comments I am a zombie.You ever get that feeling that you're not really living? Obviously we're alive but are we truly living our lives? I feel like I'm just in survival mode most of the time. In my years of struggle, being able to coast on survival mode seemed like an absolute dream. Thing is, I'm past that now. I need to get to the next level of living and out of this zombie mode I seem to call home. I don't have a serious issue with how I live my life, however, when I sit and think about it I become aware of how much more living there is out there for me. How much more I could do. The places I could go. The experiences I could be having. I've become so comfortable with my survival life that even embarking on something new seems a scary task. I remind myself that scary does not mean impossible and just because something is scary doesn't mean I should run away. Scary can actually be a good thing. There is excitement in scary and this is definitely something I am missing from my day to day. I was thinking the other day about how often I get excited about something. The realization that this was a rare occasion is not a reality I was thrilled about. This is all my doing and I take full responsibility for it. Though my life may not be full of fireworks I am honestly still extremely grateful for it. Like I said before there were many years where this was the life I was striving for. With this being said and getting back to my point, I now need to push myself for more. Less zombie, more living. Now have to figure out how to get this going, hmmmm. Expectations; the belief that something will happen a certain way. We can expect things to be wonderful or to be completely awful. Sometimes our expectations become reality and sometimes we are surprised when things do not turn out the way we suspected they would. When I take the route of expectation it often leads me to receive a massive slap in the face.
Believing that people will act a certain way is a sure fire route towards disappointment. When we attempt to play out situations in our head we only feed our anxieties. When we think too much about how the future will pan out we forget to enjoy the gift of the present moment. When we think people "should" act a specific way the same thing occurs. Just because we think/or want things to go the way we see it in our minds does not mean that will be reality. Seems like obvious information but personally, I need to remind myself of this regularly. Sometimes I get caught up in the fairytale of life that I imagine in my head, when things do not go as planned or live up to my expectations I end up feeling, for lack of a better word, shitty. I agonize over what mistakes I could have made; what I did to cause others to act a particular way. Reality check--the world does not center around me and I can in no way control the way people act or what they choose to do or not to do. This is a lesson I continually struggle with. Accepting what I cannot change is a difficult pill to swallow. However, reflecting on this notion often is helping me make progress towards full acceptance. Small steps of progress is all I can ask for. God, grant me the serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. 10/2/2018 0 Comments My Imperfect SelfI am not perfect, not even close. I don't have the perfect body, the perfect job, a perfect personality, or a perfect life. Thinking that I could attain this perfection if I tried hard enough is something that left me miserable. I honestly believed if I changed myself enough, buried my actual self, and lived a life unnatural to me that everything would be okay, more than okay - things would be perfect and I would be happy.
This is such a myth. Having a "perfect" body or job or whatever it may be will never lead to perfect happiness. Why do we tell ourselves this lie? For me, I was afraid if I actually was myself that life would be awful, no one would like me, and I would be unhappy. Surprisingly the result of being my imperfect self is the exact opposite. Letting go of my picture perfect front was the best thing I've ever done. I no longer need to pretend to be what I am not. I'm odd, selfish at times, awkward, an overthinker, a chain smoker, and many other things that qualify me as imperfect. Nowadays I embrace all of these so called flaws. It doesn't necessarily mean I don't work to improve the things that need attention, it means that I accept who I am and am no longer ashamed by it. Stop hiding yourself. Perfection is like a fairytale-it just doesn't exist. Be authentically, unapologetically YOU, always. 9/23/2018 0 Comments Hope is.....Hope is a tricky thing. Sometimes we feel it so much we swear we can see it walking beside us, sometimes it is no where to be found. Sometimes we don't see hope for a long time, sometimes it is there but we deny it from our lives. There were times I just decided to accept my hopeless self and accept that things would never change. If I pushed all of the light away then I wouldn't be disappointed if it never actually came.
That's the scary part about this recovery thing. We don't know when or how it will happen, we don't know if we'll ever feel it, and if we do, we have no idea how long it will last. Through this all, however, we need to maintain the thought that our recovery can actually happen. We are never so far gone that things can never change. Whether you believe it or not, things-situations-feelings-behaviors, they can all change. Unfortunately none of this can occur if we do not have hope in our lives. You can fake it til' you feel it just do not completely give up on it. Someday you will thank yourself for this. 9/21/2018 0 Comments Speak up, always.Always speak up for the things you believe in. Be the voice for those who feel to weak to have their own. Keep sharing your story, your struggles, and your triumphs. You never know when these things will aid another human in their journey. Even when you feel like no one is listening (or in my case, reading), continue to share. If even a single person finds relief from one of your words you have done your job. I truly believe that I have a responsibility to create awareness of what living with mental illness is like. I don't think I could ever be happy with just sitting back and keeping my journey to myself. This is in no way about wanting people to pay attention to me, this is about giving back . It is through shared experience that we are able to help one another. Through shared experience we feel less alone and less abnormal (for lack of a better word). My advice for those in my same situation-KEEP SPEAKING UP. You never know where doing this will lead you.
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Grace B, 31, Midwest, Coffee, Recovery, Expressive Arts, More Coffee. Archives
October 2022
CategoriesAll Eating Disorder Eating Disorder Recovery Mental Health Recovery Sober Sobriety |