Have you ever thought to yourself that you are just kind of, for lack of a better word, wrong for this world? I feel this on a daily basis. I don't mean to sound depressing or whiny I just often wonder if I'm right? There is this thing about eating disorders, they make you believe you don't belong, you don't fit in, and basically you aren't right. Is the emotion I'm experiencing lingering from old eating disorder thoughts or is this really who I am?
I usually ponder this many times throughout the day. I wonder why I don't feel fit for a life full of close friends, marriage and children, and why I don't seem to be interested in the same things that excite others.
Have I been damaged by my disease? Maybe I just haven't reached past this place yet? There is always the conclusion, however, that I may simply be plain old different; different interests, different values, destined for a different future.
Though this may all sound great and like I am some unique individual, the reality is that these thoughts can leave one quite lonely. Lonely and constantly questioning why I do not seem to want the same things as my peers.
There are some days I put every ounce of energy I have into being thrilled about something which everyone around me seems to have that thrill for. What do I get? Nothing. No reaction. I then ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me?
Maybe nothing, maybe I'm not as far into recovery as I thought I was, or maybe it's a mystery (that's how it feels at this point at least).
I find comfort in knowing there are many others who feel the same. Sometimes I wish we could all just find each other. I sometimes think that would make things easier. But as we all know, life is no fairytale and things like that do not just happen unfortunately.
If you ever feel like you are alone with this sense of not fitting, of not belonging, you in no way are. You may not be in direct contact with others like you but believe me, they exist. I'm the proof of that one.
I cannot say for certain that this feeling will pass but I can assure you (and myself) that it is absolutely okay to not fit into this mold we define as "normal". Keep rocking your authentic self. Living honestly is the only true way to be free.
So adolescence is supposed to be that time when you mature from a child into an adult; those awkward teen years when you attempt to figure out who you are and your place in the world. We wandered around the halls of our high school looking for answers, trying to belong, and hoping that one day we would wake up feeling confident and assured in who we are. We knew that our deadline was graduation, by then we would definitely know what we were destined to do with our lives. This myth of certainty, many of us believed, only set us up for years of wondering what the hell was wrong with us and why couldn't we get this life thing figured out???
It has only been recently that I came to the conclusion that life isn't something that we can ever really "figure out". We especially aren't going to crack the code by the time we graduate high school. With constant growth, what we want our life to look like will inevitably change. It is a sad reality that we literally may never unravel the answers to this thing called life.
I, like many others, assumed that by now (at the ripe age of 26) I would have discovered myself and of course had the perfect job; In simple terms, life would be completely set. Man was I wrong about that one. I am only now beginning to be revealed to the person I authentically am. Now that I have wellness my real passions are starting to surface. I am now aware of the fact that I am still a developing human and probably always will be.
It is okay not to have everything figured out. It is okay to feel like your life is a mess. It's alright to be a stuck working at what may not be your dream job. All of this is okay because it takes tons of time and inner reflection to discover what you truly want your life to hold.
I'm learning now to be aware of what sparks my inspiration, to try new things, and to go for my passions. Getting through this "second adolescence" and creating a life you love requires tireless work. Just because we have reached a certain age does not mean we are stuck in the current situation we are in. Like they say, age is only a number, you are capable of molding your present no matter what your stage of life.
I guess the point of my rant is to remind you (as well as myself) that you by no means need to have everything figured out. You will discover new things about yourself everyday. Your interests may change, your desires may shift, and you may feel like this puzzle of life will never come together.
Do not panic. Take what you can from each moment; find peace in it. There is no specific timeline in which you need to have certain pieces of your puzzle put together. I'm beginning to look at this all as a journey, an adventure which will lead me to places I would have never thought. Keep breathing. Enjoy what you discover. You will be alright, I promise.