I fear a lot of things, but what I fear most is falling back into past habits and behaviors. This fear is a constant reminder of my past self. It is a reminder of the misery that came from engaging in old, negative behaviors. I understand/appreciate the fear, I believe it is there to keep me from slipping. It allows me to remember that, that past misery is a place I never wish to return to.
The misery I speak of was a hole I never imagined I would dig my way out of. I still have a difficult time realizing the progress I have made over the past year. It honestly felt like that was going to be the rest of my life, like I didn't have a choice in the matter, and like I was destined to live with loneliness and pain forever. It had been so long since I experienced what a full life felt like, how was I supposed to remember that great feeling of living and believe I would get there again?
When in so deep with my eating disorder and alcoholism it really felt like slowly destroying myself was the only option I was dealt. I was trapped, a prisoner in my own mind. I was holding the key to freedom but did not have the strength to use it. Most of the time I was unaware I was the one possessing the key. I guess I believed the universe would someday make things better, like there would be some magical morning where I awoke to see all my problems were solved.
I now know this magic does not exist. The thought of this magical power kept me sick and made me believe that I could never make things better on my own, using my own strength. I can tell you now that I am the one who holds that mystic ability and I was able to use my own magic power to make the shift into wellness. I was not alone while doing this, I had an amazingly supportive mother, a treatment team, and the friends I had left encouraging me through the process.
I was able to get well this time without being admitted into any kind of treatment facility which makes me so proud. I have been down that route many times but this time I took a different path. This path put all the responsibility on me and those around me. We are not trained professionals but we knew what needed to be done and this time we were all able to make a big commitment to keeping me outpatient. I am extremely grateful I had the resources around me to do this since I did not have the financial resources for any sort of inpatient treatment.
A rough road it was, there were fights, tears, and nights were I swore I could not continue, but in the end the constant pushing through these rough patches paid off.
It was never easy and nothing in this process came naturally to me. Most things I was required to do were actually the exact opposite of what was organic to me. But like I said, today I sit here and know that it was worth every tear I shed.
I think I will forever be afraid that the past will come back to repeat itself. This may just be something I am unable to change. I have faith in knowing that if this demon ever decides to return I can conquer it again and again until it finally leaves me, giving me the life of peace and serenity I have always imagined.