Have you ever thought to yourself that you are just kind of, for lack of a better word, wrong for this world? I feel this on a daily basis. I don't mean to sound depressing or whiny I just often wonder if I'm right? There is this thing about eating disorders, they make you believe you don't belong, you don't fit in, and basically you aren't right. Is the emotion I'm experiencing lingering from old eating disorder thoughts or is this really who I am?
I usually ponder this many times throughout the day. I wonder why I don't feel fit for a life full of close friends, marriage and children, and why I don't seem to be interested in the same things that excite others.
Have I been damaged by my disease? Maybe I just haven't reached past this place yet? There is always the conclusion, however, that I may simply be plain old different; different interests, different values, destined for a different future.
Though this may all sound great and like I am some unique individual, the reality is that these thoughts can leave one quite lonely. Lonely and constantly questioning why I do not seem to want the same things as my peers.
There are some days I put every ounce of energy I have into being thrilled about something which everyone around me seems to have that thrill for. What do I get? Nothing. No reaction. I then ask myself, what the hell is wrong with me?
Maybe nothing, maybe I'm not as far into recovery as I thought I was, or maybe it's a mystery (that's how it feels at this point at least).
I find comfort in knowing there are many others who feel the same. Sometimes I wish we could all just find each other. I sometimes think that would make things easier. But as we all know, life is no fairytale and things like that do not just happen unfortunately.
If you ever feel like you are alone with this sense of not fitting, of not belonging, you in no way are. You may not be in direct contact with others like you but believe me, they exist. I'm the proof of that one.
I cannot say for certain that this feeling will pass but I can assure you (and myself) that it is absolutely okay to not fit into this mold we define as "normal". Keep rocking your authentic self. Living honestly is the only true way to be free.